Day 58: How was it?

58 days ago, on a whim, I sat down at my laptop and started a blog to keep track of my summer on the West Coast. Here I sit two months later on the same laptop at the same desk writing the last post for this blog. A lot of people may say that time has flown, but I actually think that time just stopped when I got here and today, in just over twelve hours, I will be starting the clock again.

I'm looking out my window right now at the Southern hills of the city, Sutro Tower's lights twinkling like floating rubies through the fog. My top window is open about a third of the way and I can hear the silence of the neighborhoods surrounding me. My head is preparing to arrive back in Philly and hear the city noises again every day. I am a little worried about how rough that transition may be for me, but I am trying to keep a positive attitude because I am still very excited about what is in store for me when I return to Philadelphia.

For now though, I am watching the final few fleeting seconds of my summer by the Bay ticking away from me into the muddy charcoal night. Some remnants of the sands of Baker Beach cling to my toe hairs and eyes squint in the bright light of my laptop screen. In this moment, I am reflecting on who I was when I first rolled into this humble but wonderful dorm room and who I am as I leave.

I had dinner with my friend Joanna last week and when I sat down she told me I was glowing more than usual. I looked at myself in the mirror last night and saw what she meant. Since getting here, I have learned to hold myself a little higher, to smile a little more, to breathe a little easier and laugh a little louder, to pay closer attention and seize every moment, to try harder and to love more fully. I hope to bring these back to the Beast Coast with me and to use them as invaluable tools going into my senior year.

My biggest regret from this summer is not keeping up with this blog after my third week here. Life got crazy and I lost track of time, and I will forever regret the little moments that got lost because I did not take the time to reflect on them at the end of every day. At the same time, my friends from work today told me I need to have more faith and be a little easier on myself moving forward. They recognized my self-consciousness and reminded me that I am loved and I am a good person. As Francisco wisely shared with the students last week during our final morning meeting, "You are okay, you are good, and in fact you are doing better than you think you are." That's becoming a life motto of mine.

I have never loved a job more than I did working at the San Francisco Day School this summer. The administrators instantly became some of my biggest role models, the school became my haven in a strange land, my peers became my family and my students became my heart and soul. When the students left last week, they each took a little piece of my heart with them, but they filled the holes they left up with their love as well. I am a better person because of each and every individual I came into contact with this summer, and leaving them behind is honestly the hardest part.

I feel truly motivated to make an active effort to keep in touch moving forward. At the same time, I know I can sometimes be flaky and that life is going to get busy for me pretty much instantaneously when I arrive back at school, so this is not going to be easy and we may drift apart. That does not change what happened here in this city though. Our relationships will always be the same ones that we forged here, and even if it is years before I talk to any of these people again, we are forever bonded because of the passion we shared, energy we exerted and trust we placed in each other.

As for the city itself, I have mixed feelings. San Francisco is easily the most beautiful city I have ever been privileged enough to visit in my life, bar none. At the same time, it is not the friendliest place in the world for lower- and middle-class citizens, and particularly talking to recent Penn alums at the Osiris dinner the other night, I feel unsure that I would be able to sustain the cost of living here if I am supporting myself entirely on a teacher's salary. I am not confident that I will ever live here full time, sad as I am to say that. I am however 100 percent certain that I will be back to visit many, many times. This place has captured my heart and I already know I will catch myself daydreaming about it when school starts back up.

More importantly, being in this city has shown me that I am a person who truly revels in the opportunity to explore new worlds. I am supremely confident that travel around the country and the world is in my future. It also taught me that being in a novel environment can actually help me to feel more confident in my ability to redefine myself and reach my fullest potential. I no longer think I will end up staying at home for very long. I need space to build myself into the person I need to become. This summer has laid a solid foundation for that.

The question I am dreading most though is inevitably the one I will have to answer hundreds of times in the coming weeks: "How was your summer?" This is the go-to question for every college student returning to campus. I fully admit that I catch myself asking it frequently as well. To an extent, this is a genuine question to ask as Penn students do a wide array of jobs over summers and hearing about others' experiences is sometimes very enriching. However, when asked that question, it is very difficult to answer coming from the experiences I just had.

One of my coworkers used the analogy that participating in our program is a bit like doing acid in that it is the type of experience you can only talk about with people who have had it themselves as well. As my Dean of Students wisely said to our staff yesterday, during this summer, the love and hard work that we put in dripped from every wall of the school and filled up every corner of the gymnasium like a hot air balloon. For anyone who was not in that building this summer, trying to explain the experience is useless because it is something that only we- 5 administrators, 32 teachers, 9 coaches and 132 students- shared.

How could I possibly explain to someone the feeling I got when I found out the student to whom I was providing additional assistance scored more than sixty points higher on his post-assessment at the end of the summer? What about the opportunity to teach kids what goes into developing a society and implementing it ourselves? And how about the feeling I got watching one of my students read a poem to all of the program's families about how she had been forced out of her home by gentrification? What about the time when my advisee's ESL parents, in the middle of our conference, stopped me to tell me I was talking too fast for them to understand? How about the time one of my colleagues and eight of my students played an hourlong prank on me? Or the day my advisees dressed in silly costumes and performed for everyone a skit about saving an ice cream parlor using feminism and bananas? Or the full-class improv scene I completed in which my students demonstrated the depth and breadth of their talents?

What about coming out to my advisees and handling the situation maturely? Or doing an entire Say/See/Do cycle in Elmo's voice? How about when I ran a middle school mixer and did the Wobble with my kids? What about having a student smuggle me a cold samosa from his grandma's dinner the night before just so I could try it? Or having my quietest student encode her final letter to me using a displacement cypher? What about comforting her when she came into my class crying because she had forgotten her homework? Or my Instructional Coach telling me that this same student needed to be my main focus for the whole summer? What about on cupcake day when one of my advisees wiped all of the icing off of her cupcake with a tissue only for another of my advisees to pick it out of the trash can and lick it clean? What about having my quietest advisee teach me how to make an origami flower?

How about the scavenger hunt I went on with my coworkers? Or our Thai dinners, one on Day 3 when we talked about identity for the first time and another on Career Day when we all vented about how rough the day was for us? What about our night in Dolores Park talking to the drug addict with the bubble gun? Or the day we went bowling downtown and then got delicious boba together? How do I explain Johnny's inflatable unicorn horn; Abigail's vaguely-BDSM-like personal narrative; Diego picking me in soccer at recess; Eric and Nathan helping me build a ramp out of blue styrofoam; Amaya giggling, asking me to cheer her up by listing happy things (only to refute them all, even puppies) or telling Jenee that I had to move so she could see me behind the cue cards at Celebration; Jalyse raising her hand at Career Day the entire time because we told her to ask questions whenever she felt bored; Jade belting her heart out at Family Day and bringing tears to my eyes; Michelle sending me an online Google Form application to join her "company"; Oscar calling me "O Captain, My Captain"; my lunchtime conversation with students about famous people pooping in an attempt to make Tony laugh; Gloria bringing me a Gatorade; my students telling me I was their best writing teacher out of all four years (and some saying I was their best overall); my advisee crying on the last day and bringing around cookies to the teachers to stall so he wouldn't have to leave; my jam session with my coworkers to the Little Mermaid; our overnight sleepover in the school building, in which we built a staircase to the roof out of blocks and I was the only one brave enough to climb it; Eduardo never shutting up about his damn pupusas; seeing my advisees step up to coach their younger buddies; Marco's constant "NATE. NATE. NATE. Hi!"s; Karla's "irrelephants"; Eric trying to kill me with kiddy scissors... multiple times...; Eddy pranking me during his timeout by using my computer calculator to type in "5+5", hiding from me every day on the way down to the gym for ASM, and crying as I hugged him goodbye when I quietly whispered to him that he was my favorite; Jeffrey attacking me with his little Pikachu doll and oinking like a pig; Brittany, Matt and I fighting over the last morsels of a burrito; trying jicama and Reese's peanut butter cups for the first time; eating a whole peach half in one bite; learning to love coffee; Manny teaching me to whip; Lauren E.'s American accent; Isaiah C.'s old man voice; Norwegian water; blocks of blue cheese; the circle of "Squaw"; singing around the campfire at Outdoor Ed; learning and performing our teacher dance; bawling as I listened to the students sing their own song for us; getting to share my experiences from some of the hardest working students in the nation, and giving them the tools to make a difference in their own lives? How?

What about my trips to the de Young Museum, Coit Tower, Grace Cathedral, Muir Woods, Los Angeles, Oakland, Big Sur, Sausalito, Alcatraz, Fisherman's Wharf and the Golden Gate Bridge? How about the bar where I ordered a drink just by having a conversation with the bartender and letting him analyze my personality? Or on Billy's 21st birthday when we ate pancakes at 2:30 in the morning at a rinky-dink diner and talked about the nature of sexuality? How about during Pride in the Castro when one of my friends bought a bag of candy and chucked it at strangers yelling messages of congratulation to them? How about attending my first gay wedding? Or Jordan and my substance-fueled lip-sync off to classic show tunes in Michael's living room? What about Alexa biting Billy's fake apple and then hiding it, or joining in on a random dance circle on the street? How about our two-hour-late pizza during Pride, or our late night jacuzzi seshes in Michael's hot tub? What about seeing Matilda, Inside Out, Me and Earl, Paper Towns and Jurassic World? Trying KFC for the first time? Singing "Desperado" at a piano martini bar for Billy's birthday? Fried mac n' cheese balls? Cannibalistic rats in our kitchen? Long nights of lesson planning and Facebook stalking my colleagues and program to find baby pictures of my students from past summers? The pride I felt watching my students show their work to their families? The tears I shed as I hugged them goodbye for the last time? The advice I got from my peers and bosses? The hours I spent printing and sorting pages? The nights when I stayed at the school until closing? The mornings when I woke up early to make a Starbucks run? The laughter, the tears, the pride, the pain, the exhaustion, the bitterness, the warmth, the love? This list could literally continue on to fill a small novel.

I was here for just 58 days, but there are far more than 58 memories I am bringing home with me. When I get off the plane tomorrow and see my mom and stepdad, I already can picture them asking me, "How was it?" All of these thoughts and emotions will race through my head, but through this summer I have learned that what makes them special is that they each belong to me. I can share anecdotes with people and show demonstrate for them how much I have grown, but I cannot and should not expect them to understand. My experience was one of a kind and I would not trade it for anything, so when they, or anyone else, ask me that when I get home, I'll answer the only way I know how.

It was worth it.

Thank you to everyone who has made this summer so transformative for me. I have never felt more fortunate, more grown-up, more loved, more worthy or more alive. Golden Gate, thank you for being a bridge for me, both literally and figuratively from my past to my future. It's been real, and this will place will always have a permanent place in my heart because of the crucial, invaluable, heartwarming, challenging, fortifying experiences I had here over these 58 days. I already cannot wait to come back someday, but for now all I can say is...

Until next time,
Nate.

Day 43: The Donkey in the Room

Well, it's been a good while since I've posted on here, eh? To be honest, it's been eating me up inside that I haven't been keeping up with this. I had a busy week a few weeks back and I lost track of time, and it got to a point where I felt like I had missed so much that there was no way to catch up. I've come to realize though that I enjoy my experiences much more when I reflect on them at the end of the day and the only way to get started again is to start fresh. Here are a few brief highlights from my past couple of weeks that I can elaborate on in person hopefully, and then I will share some tidbits about today.

• Family Day was beautiful, and seeing some of my kids perform talents I had never known they were hiding was an overwhelming gift which brought tears to my eyes.
• BT Social was an absolute blast, and despite an uncomfortable argument with one of my coworkers, everything turned out very nicely.
• Visiting LA was incredible. Michael's house was breathtaking, I got to chill with some of my best friends in the whole world, I celebrated the 4th of July watching fireworks in Malibu and, on the ride home, Billy, Braden and I drove down the awe-inspiring Pacific Coastal Highway.
• Parent/Guardian-Teacher Conferences were an especially great learning experience, particularly compared to how they went in Philly. Last year, I had 1/5 advisees show up. This year, 4/4 attended and were seriously invested in receiving feedback.
• Among my touristy visits recently, I have climbed Coit Tower, walked the labyrinth at Grace Cathedral, explored the ruins of the Sutro Baths, gone to see Matilda the Musical at the gorgeous Orpheum Theater, gotten a personalized drink at a hidden gem bar called "Standing Room Only", explored Muir Woods National Monument and the beautiful coast of Sausalito and tried traditional SF foods like an "It's It" and a "pie shake" at Chile Pies. I also have started trying different drinks off the Starbucks menu to feed my newly-discovered coffee addiction and I ate my first Reese's Peanut Butter Cup (which means I really must be growing up!)

That is the briefest possible recap I can give of the madness of the past couple weeks. So let's start fresh now. Nate, how was your day?

Thanks for asking, Nate! My day was great. My kids for the past two weeks have been working on "Response to Literature" essays to go with their reading for their Literature class from the book A Raisin in the Sun. Today, to make the proofreading process more exciting, Matt and I devised an activity around The Hunger Games, in which kids had to select a highlighter as a "weapon" and proofread a partner's essay through a certain lens. We made this ridiculous video to introduce the activity to the kids, pretending to be Stanley Tucci and Elizabeth Banks:

VIDEO HERE!

After viewing that video, something odd happened. One of my advisees, and in fact the student with whom I would argue I am closest, blurted out, "You're a gay donkey!"at me. I was caught totally off-guard, particularly since I had not come out to any of my students, so all I did was give him a serious "teacher look" and tell him we would talk after class. He instantly showed remorse as though he knew what he had done was wrong. I waited to talk to him until later on in the day during advisory...

In advisory today, we had an interesting activity for the first half. We have a "buddy advisory" of students who are two years younger than mine who sometimes visit our room to do some activities with us. This past Monday, we combined to put on a skit for the whole school at the end of the day which was really fun and made me very proud of my kids, typically quiet and uncomfortable in front of crowds, who braved their fears and acted their little hearts out. Today, we met with our buddies again to do a panel in which the younger advisees (our buddies) could ask my advisees any questions they had about what life is like in middle school. My advisees had expressed a lot of disinterest and lack of maturity when we prepared for this event a few days prior, so I was really concerned it was not going to go well. I even bought snacks as an incentive to bribe them to be upstanding role models for their buddies. Much to my surprise, even without the incentive, my kiddos took a lot of pride in their leadership role as buddies and answered the 6th graders' questions with a maturity of thought which I had never seen in them before. At one point, they looked at me like I was crazy because I could not stop smiling. I could not help it; seeing them in this context was the first time I had ever seen them seriously step up, act professionally and think very intentionally before they spoke in order to best serve other, younger kids.

After our buddies left, I was super happy and I surprised the kids with the snacks I had bought. I then remembered I had told Eddy I was going to follow up with him. I decided in the moment that it was a worthwhile lesson for all of my kids to learn, so I made him share with the whole group what he had said in class. I led a short discussion about why using "gay" in a derogatory way is not only wrong but makes no sense. I then mentioned that insulting people's sexuality is particularly dangerous because you never know who it could affect, and that there were members of our school's community who could have been seriously hurt by Eddy's comment. My kids clearly were intrigued by this and they started prodding me to try and find out to whom I was referring. I quickly backtracked and said it was not my place to share for anyone else, but that if they had questions for individual people, they could approach them politely and ask. One of my advisees then asked me directly if I was gay.

I had talked to my administrators about this just a few days beforehand when I witnessed another instance of homophobia among the students, and they were very supportive in encouraging me to share about myself if and only if I was comfortable with it. Given the liberal nature of our community at the school as well as in SF in general, as well as the strong bonds I have made over these five weeks with my advisees, in that moment I decided it would be worthwhile to come out to the four of them. The reactions were mixed, but all ultimately positive and in a funny way they were very indicative of my individual advisees' personalities. I've decided to share this in script form to fully capture how the conversation went.

Karla: Are YOU gay?

Me: Yes.

*a beat*

Karla: For real?

Me: Yes.

Eddy: Wait, you're gay?

Me: I am.

Eddy: When did you become gay?

Me: I've always been gay.

Eddy: But you had a girlfriend...

Me: Only because I did not think it was okay for me to be gay when I was your age.

Karla: You're not joking right now, are you?

Me: No, I'm for real.

Eddy: So when did you... What's the word? Clarify? When did you clarify that you were gay to your family?

Me: When I was in tenth grade, although that was still younger than most people do it.

Eric: Can I share something?

My internal monologue: Oh no, what have I done? Is sweet, quiet, little late-bloomer Eric about to come out?

Me: Sure, Eric. As long as you're comfortable.

Eric: On the first day of middle school, I walked into the cafeteria and didn't know anyone so I sat down at a table with some kids and it turned out all four of us were named Eric.

*a beat*

Me: That's... great, Eric. Thanks for sharing.

Janice: My hands are sticky. Can I go wash them?

Me: Sure, Janice.

FIN.

As you probably noticed, each of my advisees has a very distinct personality and they have never been more evident than they were in that conversation. Eddy was super well-meaning and wanted to have a serious conversation but did not know the right way to speak about this sensitive issue and still had a goofy side shining through. Karla seemed both genuinely surprised and honored that I chose to share this with them. Eric was very well-intentioned and wanted to contribute but was on an entirely different wavelength from the rest of us. Janice was completely unfazed and was more focused on her ice cream. Individually, they are all so different, but together, they've helped me to build a strong little family in our advisory, and with only eight days left with the kiddos, I am more conscious than ever of enjoying every moment with them. I think this discussion today helped them all grow as people and invest more heavily in me. I asked them not to share with the rest of the students, but I am not 100% confident that they will follow through on that one, especially Karla who seemed very eager to tell her friends.

Most crucially, this is the first time in a while that I have had to come out to anyone and I felt the very same emotions of nervousness, desire for acceptance and an ounce of self-loathing having to tell it to my students. At the same time, the fact that I felt this both helped me realized how much more comfortable I have become with my sexual identity in recent years AND how deeply I care about my students, because I was genuinely concerned with how they would react to me once I told them. Coming out is probably the hardest obstacle I've ever had to overcome personally, but it's rare nowadays for me to have to jump it again. It's a nice reminder of the struggles I have made it through to succeed in life, as well as the struggles which many other kids in the world (likely including at least a few of the students I work with) are still facing. I pray for a day in the future when kids do not have to struggle to find the words to discuss these issues, a world in which it is no longer a shock to hear that someone has a certain identity...

...even if that identity is just sharing the same name as you. ;-)

Until next time,

Nate

Day 27: A Word on Time

24 hours sometimes seems to me like such an absurdly long amount of time, and at other times I find myself gasping for air as I cling to the last few seconds ticking away from me on the clock. I forgot how much time and investment my job would take, and as a result, my blog has sort of slipped out of my grasp. Thus, I have to change my goals so I do not disappoint myself. My new goal is to post at least one blog post per week, and to work on it in pieces so I do not find myself struggling to remember all the great things that happened. I have lots to update about, notably my impromptu trip to LA with Billy and Braden, but it will have to wait for the next post. If you're reading this, just know I am having an absolute blast and, much as I am stressed, I am also very happy. Two days from now will mark my halfway point in my time here, and I am starting to feel the value of each second more and more. Thus, while I still have a few left this evening, I am going to get some much-needed rest before kicking off what is shaping up to be my busiest week of work for the entire summer. Wish me luck...

Until next time,
Nate

Day 22/23: What's My "Why"? and Getting Over the Hump

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

-5/1 "I did this on purpose."
-video from Logan
-care package
-rigor in class
-grading essays
-Aunt Claire's Mom

Wednesday:
-kidnapping in acting and improv
-dinner with wiggers (maggio, d'escragnolle, pow-anpongkul, harry, noah, billy, braden, nico)
-letter from mom and John
-spirit week fashion show
-kids will remember how more than what

Day 21: I Can Go the Distance

My good friend and fellow teacher, Trisha, led faculty meeting today and played the titular song of this post to inspire us to "go the distance" for our students. It has since been stuck in my head all day and I have a desperate desire to watch a ton of Disney movies.

Poem on the door of my advisory room. Made me smile!

I have the chance to get an extra hour of sleep tonight by going to bed now, so I am going to do a few quick bullet points from today. Bear with me.

• My day started happily as a fellow teacher, Alphonse, surprised us all with donuts to congratulate us on the start of our second week. This was quickly followed up by a surprise gift of Double Stuf Oreos from my Secret Buddy. Between these, my personal stash and the Mint Oreos I got from Megan on Friday, I'm Oreo'd out now!
• My classes went extraordinarily well today. The kids even in my harder class seemed to really respond to the warm demander presence I channeled. I've also started sneaking pictures of the kids from when they were in 5th grade into the slideshows, which they equally love and hate. We tackled the issue of conflict today, relating it to the Confederate Flag debates and Caitlyn Jenner's transition, and the kids handled the topics maturely and with eagerness to learn and share their thoughts.

A Photoshopped magazine cover from tomorrow's slideshow featuring my kids as 5th graders! (And me looking gross)

• I had three students say my class is their favorite. One of them, Michelle, asked if she could skip all her other classes and just stay in mine all day. It was a nice confidence booster.
• Billy, Braden and I made impromptu plans to visit Michael, Alexa and Jordan in LA this weekend for the 4th of July. I was going to stay here originally, but a lot of my coworkers are going home for the weekend, and going along with my promise to myself never to turn down an adventure, I couldn't pass it up. I'm a little worried about getting all my work done to prepare for this, but I'm equally excited for a spontaneous road trip!

My advisee Eric does this before our advisory period every day. He hangs himself from his backpack on a hook outside our room.

• My advisory period today was super fun, though I worry a little that I have not set a rigid enough structure for that time each day. That said, after a long day of classes, it's nice for my kids to be able to kick back, do a little homework, listen to some music, doodle, make origami and generally decompress. Plus, they're all good kids and even when they get rowdy, they never do anything deliberately bad. In addition, I got an anonymous shoutout from one of my advisees (I think it was Janice) thanking me for being a hilarious advisor. I also was complemented by Matt who said he wants to channel my fun energy into his advisory as well. It was really touching to find out my peers are looking up to me as well.
• After school, the teachers stayed late for a Back-to-School Bash in which our students' parents got to meet us, learn about our curriculums, see the school building and ask us any questions or present concerns for their kids. I was exhausted leading into it, but it was actually an amazing event and a very insightful way to learn which of my students tend to struggle in writing, and in what capacities. I feel moving forward like I now have a clearer vision of the sort of differentiated instruction I need to give to many of my students to best serve them individually.
• After this, I came home, ate some Oreos, worked on my slides for tomorrow, and here I am heading off to bed.

Sorry today's post was so boring. If it's any consolation, I had a really great day! I'm just pretty sunburned from Pride and it's left me feeling drained, so a little extra sleep tonight will do me some good. As I doze off this evening, I reflect on the same inspiring words with which I started my day. Through every day here in California, the good and bad ones, and in life in general for that matter, I can and will power through. "I won't accept defeat. It's an uphill slope, but I won't lose hope 'til I go the distance and my journey is complete."

Every smile will be worth my while...

Until next time,

Nate

Days 19/20: Pride and Prejudice

"With all the changes you've been through, it seems the stranger's always you, alone again in some new wicked little town." -Hedwig and the Angry Inch

This weekend has been a transformative experience for me to say the least. I knew I would be celebrating Pride when I came to SF, but I had no idea it would be on such a historic weekend, and I certainly didn't expect to be spending it with some of my best friends in the world.

In preparation for Pride on Saturday morning, I watched a YouTube documentary about Harvey Milk and his work in this city as the first openly gay individual elected to public office in California. I remember seeing the movie Milk when I was still in the process of coming out and coming to terms with my own sexuality; for whatever reason, it did not stick with me as strongly as it should have, and I found myself floored as I revisited the story of this incredible man.

My friends Jordan and Alexa, both of whom are working for production companies in LA, decided to celebrate this momentous occasion by spontaneously road-tripping to SF for our Pride festivities and to spend time with Braden and I as well as our friend Michael who graduated early this past December and Nico, a rising sophomore in Wig. Billy had to leave for the weekend to fly home to NY for his brother Bobby's graduation from high school (congrats, by the way!), so he left his apartment key with me so Jordan and Alexa could have a place to crash. Braden and I decided on a whim that we would sleep over there as well so we could all celebrate together.

After meeting up at the Wharf, we got lunch at Chipotle and ate on the steps by the waterfront outside Ghiradelli Square. The weather was the most beautiful it has been since I have been here, as if nature was giving us the perfect environment in which to celebrate. After lunch, we ran back to my dorm to grab Billy's key and so I could get a change of clothes and a box of snicker-doodles my grandma had baked for me and mailed here. (They were amazing!!!) We then drove toward Billy's place, but got stuck in a ridiculous traffic jam of people trying to get into the city for Pride festivities. We passed the time by playing "Never Have I Ever" and people-watching as tons of tourists passed our car decked out in head-to-toe rainbows like a leprechaun's wet dream.

After parking in a nearby lot (where an attendant conspicuously warned us that cars get broken into there frequently, much to Jordan's chagrin) and saying goodbye to Nico, we dropped our stuff in Billy's room. He has a bunch of paraphernalia that he got during Google orientation, so we took some selfies with it and sent them to him to make him jealous and potentially anxious. I can totally picture Billy sitting in the auditorium of his brother's school with his head in his hands, just muttering "What have I done?" under his breath as "Pomp and Circumstance" chimes in over the loudspeakers.

We were not hungry for dinner since we had just gorged ourselves on Chipotle and cinnamon-sugar cookies, so we instead went to buy some goodies for the night. We went to a local convenience store next to the Sunnyside Hotel (which made us laugh as, on top of its sign, it appeared that someone had thrown their weave). We then spent a few hours chilling in the Clarke Complex, having good conversation and cracking open some white wine. (We are all of age, and none of us are co-workers, so this is fine.) The funny part about the wine was that Billy's cabinets contained exactly four glasses, all intended for wine; two were normal size, and the other two... well, I guess the best word to describe them would be goblets. Braden and I volunteered to take the larger glasses as we are taller and so they would not be as awkward for us to hold.

As the sun began to set, we discussed our plans for the evening. Jordan really wanted to visit the Castro district, and everyone was game for it, so after finishing off our bottles, we walked over along with a substantial crowd of queers flocking to the city's metaphorical Mecca of the gay rights movement to partake in the celebrations of this amazing moment in history. We saw a lot of crazy things there, including MANY naked people, crazy costumes, and sidewalks that put the "litter" in "glitter". We saw a crowd of people leaving the Castro where Larry Kramer (author of The Normal Heart) was speaking, and we passed by Harvey Milk's camera shop (now an HRC building). We were not looking to get too crazy, so we picked a casual-looking wine bar and settled down. We had some serious discussions about whether or not we thought we would move to California when we graduated; I found myself surprised to say, as some had predicted I would before I left, that I could totally see myself living here, at least in the short-term.

Around midnight, the police started to clear people out of the streets and the bars began to close. Not wanting our night to end so abruptly, Braden, Alexa, Jordan and I walked over to Dolores Park where the trashy remnants of the day's festivities remained. We spent a moment enjoying the view, then walked back to Billy's where we crashed pretty quickly. (Funny story: we ordered Domino's, having not eaten dinner, and then fell asleep only to be awoken by a phone call from the delivery guy two hours later. In fairness to us, two hours is WAY too long to wait for a pizza delivery. They'll be hearing from my lawyers, don't worry. ;-P)

We woke up this morning around 10 AM. Braden had already left because he was marching with the Gap (where he is interning) float. Luckily, the Pride Parade route went right past Billy's building, so after waking up and being met by Michael, we walked down to the street. The Parade was indescribably overwhelming for lack of a better word. For context, the very first portion was a series of half-naked lesbians riding motorcycles who referred to themselves as "Dykes on Bikes". From there, things got even crazier as one major group after another brought their employees and cool floats out to celebrate this event. The streets were flooded with LITERALLY millions of people (Jordan said the news gave 3 million attendees as an estimated figure), most of whom were wearing either a complete rainbow outfit or something otherwise totally fierce with glitter, feathers, leather and a lot of body paint. In fact, some people were just wearing nothing at all.

I was blown away by many of the groups I saw in the parade. The PFLAG float in particular struck a chord with me; it was filled with parents, uncles, siblings, friends and other relatives of LGBTQ+ individuals showing their unconditional love for their families, the kind of love that I am so blessed to have from my family. As I stood there watching floats from the SF Police and Fire Departments, cheerleading squads, major companies like Apple (who had thousands of employees and their families walking with rainbow flags), and more, I reflected on this event. As I applauded people marching in outlandish costumes who anywhere else in the world would be considered bonkers, I realized that none of our individual identities mattered. Yes, of course, we were celebrating equality, but I did not think about to whom the people marching were attracted or with what gender they identified, if any. We in that moment were all just purely human, stripping off our skin together to expose our barest souls, showing each other the love that we have so long sought for ourselves but struggled to find. We were a collection of people of every age (newborn through elderly), creed (atheist through hardcore evangelist), race, ethnicity, class (I see you, Nancy Pelosi) and more, united in our belief that love is not between any two specific types of people. Love is like a poorly-manufactured puzzle; its pieces that fit differently every time, but they show the same beautiful picture.

Pictures (to be sorted):

How breathtaking is this city?

Quaker Sighting!

Lunch on the beach! Nico, Alexa, Jordan, myself and Braden <3

I got scared by the famous SF Bushman on the way to lunch.

Our evening in the Castro

The Historic Castro Theater

Apple employees marching... There were literally thousands of them.

The coolest balloon costumes I have ever seen

Nancy Pelosi

An Irish Bagpipe Ensemble wearing rainbow costumes

Alexa and Michael jumping in on an impromptu dance contest on the street

SF City Hall (where Milk and George Moscone were killed)

My first ever gay wedding!

The happy couple <3

Dolores Park during the day (AKA a "Where's Waldo?" of drug paraphernalia)
 

Jordan leading us to dinner at a Pakistani restaurant

--POST UNDER CONSTRUCTION--
Still to write:
trying to find BT friends, Burger King
stumbling upon gay wedding
catcalls and "I hope you find your prince charming"
back to Dolores Park
Indian food for dinner
lesson planning

Day 18: It is So Ordered.

In lieu of a blog post for today, I am merely going to paste the text of the Facebook status I wrote in honor of the momentous Supreme Court decision today. I think it says most of what I would want to say.

"I always had a feeling this day would come, but now that it's here I am feeling a vast array of emotions (you might even say a spectrum). On the one hand, I have been extremely touched by the vast outpouring of support on this controversial decision and more relieved than I expected I would be. I am also thrilled to be in San Francisco during this time as it is a hub of the queer rights movement and liberal ideologies. On the other hand, I recognize that this only solves a small issue in the scheme of civil rights for LGBTQ+ individuals, let alone all citizens. Nonetheless, I choose to view this as a stepping stone though on the path to a brighter tomorrow where equality is a reality rather than a construct. I honestly don't believe that I will see FULL equality and understanding in my lifetime (and certainly not as long as we continue trying to label individual gender identities and sexual orientations), but today has invigorated me to continue fighting for humanity, striving to understand, and speaking up rather than speaking for. Given this, I feel it is unquestionably a cause for celebration because to be frank, in our current sociopolitical climate, we need to appreciate the little victories when we get them. As an ally once said, "a piece of paper isn't going to solve it all, but it's a damn good place to start."

Now, if only I had a boyfriend..."

Until next time,

Nate

Day 17: Exhaustion Sets In

Today was the first day where the fatigue of all my hard work and lack of sleep really took a toll on me, so this blog post will be shorter than the past few. I felt sluggish all day and it impeded my reaction time, classroom management skills and ability to contribute to the teaching staff actively. I began to see how I need to change my living habits in order to make it in this profession, or as an adult in general for that matter.

Tremendous fun in Acting Class

I had a fairly average day. My first class this morning went pretty poorly and I felt pretty crummy going into my interim planning period. My second class went much better, probably in large part due to Megan's brilliant idea to change the seating arrangement to free up space in the room. Pictures to come tomorrow. We worked on summarizing essays today and I played a little improv game with the kids called "Half-Life" in which they had to act out a scene in increasingly shorter time increments while including the same plot points. They seemed to enjoy it, but one girl got too excited and tripped and fell on her hand. I became very concerned, so I had Megan get her an icepack for me. She handled it like a champ, but I am worried going into tomorrow that she may have some residual feelings of bitterness toward my class because of it, particularly because the student in question has been one of my most difficult so far.

Look at those smiles! (That's Lauren on the right.)

During our elective class today, we had a surprise fire drill. It was the first time I was responsible for leading a group of students through an emergency procedure, practice or otherwise. I felt confident and was able to snap quickly into action. My kiddos also were very responsible and well-behaved. The drill went very well, and afterward we played some really fun improv games (side note: remind me to tell the story later about one of my students getting so invested in his improv game that he said in no uncertain terms "Hail Satan"... I wish I were kidding, though it was actually quite funny in the moment). My kids became fully convinced that they will be able to set Lauren and I up as boyfriend and girlfriend by the end of the summer (little do they know) by suggesting we do an improv scene with me as a knight and her as a princess. At first it was funny, but it became annoying and started to make both Lauren and I feel uncomfortable, so we shut it down rather creatively by twisting the scene so that she was an ugly princess and I was repulsed by her. We made our plans for next week's elective classes too and I'm very excited about them.

Advisory today was not very notable, except for the fact that my advisees drew pictures of each other on the classroom whiteboard when they finished their homework. See the beautiful portrait below:

L to R: Eddy, Karla, Janice, Eric, Cheese (high school intern) and me

After work, my boss Katy called Matt and I in to discuss a lesson plan we had prepared for Monday incorporating social justice into our curriculum on conflict development and resolution in narrative writing. She vetoed it but handled the situation very professionally and actively expressed how impressed she was with our thought processes and willingness to dive headfirst into challenging material. Later in the summer, when we start writing literary analysis essays, she is going to help us revisit the subject matter so we can prepare it properly and ensure the classroom is a safe space for students to explore these topics if they want to without being forced.

Even after 3 years, The Book of Mormon is ridiculously impossible to get tickets to, but I vow it will happen one day. The tour is returning to Philly this fall and, come hell or high water, I will be going.

Immediately after this meeting, I skedaddled downtown to meet Braden and Billy. We rushed The Book of Mormon but were shocked to find there were upwards of 60 people doing the same thing, so we decided to go to a movie instead. We saw the new Pixar movie, Inside Out. Confession: I was so tired that for parts of the movie I struggled to stay awake, but I really enjoyed the parts I saw. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's one of Pixar's best, but it's certainly an improvement on their past few movies and I wept a little at the end, particularly as I reflected on my house in Berwyn which is being sold this week. That house has been a haven for me since quite literally the day I was born, and while I recognize it is time to move on, there will always be a part of me that holds 808 in a special place in my heart. The movie perfectly presented the necessary mix of Joy and Sadness which go into moments like this one, and its immediate relevance to my family and I had a big impact on me.

Still a fun night with friends!

After the movie, we got burgers in the Food Court and talked for a little while about our jobs and Mask and Wig next year. Billy's going home for the weekend for his brother Bobby's high school graduation, but Braden and I are trying to make plans for Pride on Sunday. We both already have groups from work that want to go but we're going to try to meet up once we're there.

This post doesn't have one of my typical sweet, tidy conclusions because my brain can't seem to piece anything together for one. All I'll say is that today really taught me how important sleep is as a teacher, and with that said, it is time for bed.

Until next time,

Nate

Day 16: Homework: Stay Alive.

I seem to be getting home later and later every day. Tonight, I was out with Matt and Cristi shopping for our secret buddies, children and selves at Target until about 10:30 PM, and Matt and I still had to finish our lesson plans when we got back. It was still worth every second though.

The astounding view from the roof this morning when I was at 7/8 grade recess. Such a gorgeous day.

The vignette bulleted-list style of yesterday's post worked well for me, so I'm going to continue on that route today.
-This morning, at morning meeting, we had a "riff-off" a la Pitch Perfect. Apparently some people didn't realize I actually can sing, judging based on the "oohs" and "ahhs" I heard when I stepped into the ring. ;-P Another teacher has planned a barbecue for the staff in the middle of July and we will be hosting a talent show that evening as well, so maybe I'll get to flex my skills again!

-I need to take a minute to just say that I cannot begin to express how lucky I am to have been assigned Megan as my I.C. She is wonderful in so many ways, abstract and concrete. Her advice about 1-on-1s has made me feel more confident as a teacher these past two days than I have in 1.5 years of working as a teaching fellow. She also stepped up and told our Program Director that my classroom arrangement was completely unsatisfactory, so before next week, I will have individual desks in my room rather than those horrid tables! This morning, she called an impromptu department meeting in between classes to announce that she officially accepted the Assistant Principal position at the wealthier public school she was interviewing at, and none of the four of us could have been more happy for her. She explained that ultimately she feels the best path for her is to start in a wealthier school to build her administrative skills and then transfer them into an underprivileged setting once she feels she is fully prepared. This makes a lot of sense to me and has made me feel better about the self-conscious privilege-checking I have been doing as I consider the possibility of starting my career out in a school that is not necessarily high-need.

Matt, Olivia, Lauren J. and Charlie performing the "Cup Song" from Pitch Perfect at All-School Meeting

-While I was not paying attention during a planning period today, I was jamming out silently to some music on my iPod and Francisco secretly filmed my embarrassing dorky moves and put the video on the teachers' Facebook page. I was honored though, and besides, just yesterday I was told I have "sweet moves" by a fifth grader, so no one else's opinion really matters.

-One of the tactics I have been trying to improve upon is the "warm demander" teaching method, which we lovingly refer to as "firmth" (firm + warmth). I think I used it more effectively than ever before this morning as a few of my students (including one of my advisees!) decided to test my limits by blatantly disobeying our classroom entrance procedure. I put my foot down with strength and confidence which I have never felt in myself before, expressed disappointment without brute anger and then quickly transitioned into a more positive tone to begin class, and the kids responded very well to it. I can feel myself growing every day.

My man Eric, having finished all of his homework early, folding origami using notecards

-In Acting elective today, I led an exercise in which we learned about how to use voices to portray characters and emotions. We listened to audio clips of people speaking and singing and then had to guess what they looked like. We then compared our guesses to what they really looked like. Among the clips I used were Susan Boyle, the homeless radio announcer guy and a short Caucasian Morgan Freeman impression artist. The idea was to show the kids that sometimes there can be a mismatch between looks and sounds, but even if our physicality cannot match a character, if we can use our voices properly, we can still portray them effectively. The kids seemed to really enjoy the activity, and I felt really good about having taught a younger age group for the first time! (Kudos to Lauren for letting me take the lead on this one!)

-After work, Matt and I stuck around and worked on next week's lesson plans until the school closed at 9 PM. We were not alone, and in the process, as the hours ticked by we found ourselves procrastinating more and more. Two of the teachers and I got in a debate over who was the cutest member of One Direction (Niall, duh) and proceeded to rope anyone who would listen into the conversation. We left the building right before the doors locked, in which case we would have been trapped for the evening (thank the Lord we made it out in time!) I walked with Matt and Cristi to Target, belting Taylor Swift songs along the way. Cristi needed to buy snacks for her kids, and we just needed a break. This was a fun trip and a nice way to clear our heads before coming home and plowing through the rest of the work. As Matt and I were approaching our dorm, we saw a $20 bill flying across the street, so we chased it and picked it up. We have not decided what to use it for, but we've agreed it will be some sort of partner-teacher treat to split.

-Shortly after that, when I came in the dorm, I found that there was a package waiting for me at the front desk from Nana and Pop-Pop! It was HUGE, but every single thing in it made me smile profusely. Firstly, Nana included detergent packets and disposable bowls and cups, all of which I had strongly considered buying at Target but opted against (as though I could sense I would not need them!) Secondly, the box included tons of snacks which I have been craving in my long work nights in my dorm. Thirdly, both Nana and Pop-Pop wrote me letters, and Pop-Pop's actually made me tear up a little at the end (though it was probably also fueled by exhaustion, but it truly did mean a great deal to me. Nana and Pop-Pop, if you are reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Because of your generosity, I ended my day with a big smile!)

One of my advisees changed up the homework in our advisory room. I think it's still important to complete.

-The absolute highlight of my day though was my advisory period. Karla was absent today, but my other three kiddos and I had some nice conversations and really started to bond. I credit Eddy with a lot of it; much as he is the most vocal personality among my advisees, he is really stepping up as a leader in our little Crew G family to get Eric and Janice, who are much quieter, to talk and goof around a little (which is acceptable, given the relaxed nature of advisory periods and study hall). He made some fart jokes, which Eric fed off of, and then they both roped Janice into the conversation against her will, although she ended up laughing and enjoying it too.

Shortly after this photo was taken, this was accompanied by drawings.  I did not bother to photograph them. You are welcome.

Sure, these kids still have a lot of room to grow and I need to do a better job at recognizing their needs and addressing them, but at the end of the day, if they want to be the fart-joke crew and it makes them happy...

What I do it for... <3

...well, you know, I'm more than okay with that.

Until next time,
Nate

Day 15: Happy and "Full of Children"

The best way to describe my day today is through a series of vignettes, most of which were overwhelmingly positive. Here goes...

• At our morning faculty meeting, my friend Sam led us in a group activity in which we sat on the gym floor and closed our eyes. She invited a few people to stand up and walk around the group. As they did, she called out prompts to them and they were invited to tap on the shoulder any teachers to whom they felt the statement applied. As someone who is self-admittedly self-conscious and constantly seeking approval, this exercise was one of the most touching experiences of my professional life (no pun intended). I was tapped many times for a variety of beautiful things. In fact, for some of them, I was tapped by four or more people, which meant they went out of their way to find me in the circle and tap me. Among those were "Which teacher(s) light(s) up the room with their presence?" and "Which teacher(s) is/are going to make the biggest impact on the lives of their students?" I suppose it is possible that everyone was tapped for every question, but given how many taps I received for those particular prompts, they really stuck out to me.
• One of my advisees who was sick yesterday came in today. He was quiet and a little bit of a smart-aleck, but he was still very sweet.
• My first class of the day (which was the latter class yesterday, since we flip schedules on T/Th) was much more well-behaved and receptive than before. I was observed and filmed for the first half of the period and it went about as well as I could have asked for, which was great because it meant my feedback was directed specifically at my teaching itself rather than my disciplinary abilities, which I already recognize to be one of my areas of weakness and am working on improving.
• My second class was decidedly less well-behaved, but still engaged with the material.
• At lunch, an adorable little 5th grade student told me that my moves as I danced to the music while the kids were arriving this morning were "sweet".
• At recess, some of my new 5th grade pals and I decided to build a giant Rube Goldberg-style track contraption of sorts, using a dodgeball in place of a marble. It was a blast.

• After I built this, I went over to the playground where some slightly older children peer pressured me into trying out a contraption which I am now referring to solely as the spinning wheel of death. As someone who typically likes the Tilt-O-Whirl, I can say this was the most intensely dizzying experience I have had in a long time.
• Right before recess ended, another adorable 5th grader asked me what my name was and asked me if I felt happy. I said of course I felt happy, to which she replied, "Good, today is a happy day because you're full of children." As poorly as that was phrased, she wasn't wrong.
• In my elective class, our students watched the famous Monty Python "Ministry of Silly Walks" video and then made their own silly walks, which was so much fun to watch.
• Lauren and I modelled for our elective class what improv games should look like, and in the process, she attempted for the first time to mimic an American accent. I have not laughed so hard in a loooong time.
• When we finally turned the improv games over to the students, I was BLOWN AWAY by their quick wit and sharp jokes. Despite being just 10-11 years old, they show a lot of potential as comedians. Perhaps there are some future Mask and Wig/Bloomers troupe members among them? ;-)
• My advisory period was much better than yesterday. Some of my kids finished all of their homework, and then we spent the last ten minutes playing Hangman together. Eric stumped the lot of us by using the word "quartz", which I thought was brilliant given that no one would ever guess 'q' or 'z'!
• I wrote and starred in our ASM skit today along with Lauren and our friend Lee. It was the riveting tale of a Breakthrough student who didn't want to do his homework (me) and his two friends (them) who help show him the value of homework and coach him through it together. In the end he shows gratitude for the experiences he gets at Breakthrough (our word of the day!)
• After school, we had a contest to see which teachers could fit a whole half-peach from a can into their mouth in one bite. I am proud to say I was one of the victors, and the peach was delicious.
• After spending several hours lesson planning and prepping for tomorrow, I took an impromptu trip with Tyschell, Sam and Cristi to get pizza and milkshakes at a local restaurant, which was a terrific end to a much happier day. We laughed a lot, talked about our students and our incredible coworkers, and had a blast. Cristi ordered an avocado milkshake, which was wrong on many levels; in the first place, ew. In the second, as we learned after the fact, she is allergic to avocado and started to lose feeling in her lips and drooled all over. Sam then proceeded to almost choke on her bubble tea smoothie from laughing so hard. A strange man came in and announced it was his birthday, to which we, without missing a beat, broke out into the Breakthrough-specific birthday song. At the end, having been very impressed by our showing, the pizzeria owner gave us each free bottles of water.
• After parting ways, I walked with Tyschell to the local Safeway so she could buy brownie mix for her kids in her elective. We had a nice talk about our love lives and teacher aspirations.
• Ultimately, I returned home today as drained as ever, but also uplifted and more confident than before that I am where I need to be, with the people I need to be around and doing something which actually makes a difference.

Invariably, tomorrow is a new day with its own challenges and rewards, but for now, I am relieved, I am happy and I am certainly "full of children".

PICTURES:

Our recess marble machine!

The Spinning Metal Deathtrap

Our Acting students practicing face exercises and body tensing

Chris nails the peach challenge! 

The pizza place had mirrors in front of the seats, and I realized it was (I think) the first time in my life that I ever just sat and watched myself eat. It was interesting to say the least. Hence, selfie.
 

Clockwise from top left: Cristi, Tyschell, Sam and I with our hard-earned birthday-won bottles of water!

Until next time,

Nate

Day 14: Fake It 'til You Make It

This is going to be another short post because I need some sleep tonight. We had a very busy first day which was, for lack of a better term, a roller coaster.

From my IC: the 6/8th writing department's first day teaching! Clockwise from top left: Matt, me, Corey and Avery

I had to get up an hour earlier than usual to be at the school by 7 AM. We had a beautiful morning faculty meeting in which we watched an inspiring clip from Spider-Man 2 (a phrase which I would previously have thought paradoxical). In the morning, I had my first lesson with each of my two classes. The first class was very well behaved, though also a little too quiet and hesitant to participate, so I need to find ways to keep them actively engaged. The second class was quite the opposite, overly engaged but also clearly trying to test my limits. One student in particular did something insubordinate which I did not address properly, and so I went into lunch feeling pretty down about myself. I spoke with Megan about it and she encouraged me to find him at recess and have a private conversation with him, coaching me through how to address it to prevent further discontent on his end. I would like to point out that my coach last summer did nothing of the sort, and I really could have used some extra disciplinary coaching along those lines last year. I cannot begin to express how grateful I am for my IC this summer and all of her advice. She totally turned my day around as I was able to find the student, talk to him calmly, address the situation and clear the air.

Proctoring 5th Grade Recess; we built a giant "work of art" and then promptly destroyed it.

The best part of my day was proctoring 5/6th grade recess. We had talked about developmental differences during training, but seeing the stark juxtaposition of my "too-cool-for-school" 8th graders in class and the wildly excited, friendly and creative kids just a few years younger than them was really eye-opening for me. In just one day, I have started reconsidering what age I actually want to teach after I graduate. Don't get me wrong; I still see the positives in teaching older kids, and once we actually begin writing essays, I know I will build strong connections with my oldies, but there is a special spark in those slightly younger students which I had never experienced working with before today.

My elective class was really fun. I am in awe of my co-teacher, Lauren (the half-British young woman from North Carolina), who is easily one of the most organized, well-spoken and effective teachers with whom I have ever had the pleasure to work. I basically want to be her when I grow up, which is funny because I'm slightly older than her. In class, we worked on using our face to portray emotions, watching video clips of high-intensity emotional scenes from movies (one example, inspired by mom, was the "SANTA! I KNOW HIM!" clip from Elf, so thanks for that, Mom.) We then played emotion charades with the kids, giving them tough emotional words (ecstatic, amorous, uncomfortable, etc.) and asking them to guess each other's emotions. It was a challenging game, but Lauren and I were both blown away with how the kids rose to the occasion.

Chris and Sam in our daily ASM skit for the students; I wrote and am in tomorrow's!

Next, I had my advisory group. One of my mentees (Eddy) was absent today, so I just had Eric, Karla and Janice. They are all really sweet kids and a vastly different group than my advisees last year. While my advisees last summer were some of the strongest personalities in the program and consequently both exceptional leaders and frequent troublemakers, this summer they are particularly quiet, bashful and introverted. In some ways, this is a huge blessing because I do not have to worry as much about them, but in others it makes my life difficult because I am going to have an hour every day which I am just spending getting to know them and help them with whatever they are struggling with, but they seem pretty self-sufficient and prefer to keep to themselves. I'm not just going to let this slide all summer of course; I just need to head back to the drawing board to figure out how to warm them up to me and get us functioning well together as a group.

After school ended, we had a professional development about organization strategies. I started to ponder my future and I realized that a lot of my current organization methods are dictated by how my clubs run at Penn. I think after I graduate I am going to open a new e-mail account and start from a clean slate. When P.D. was done, I stuck around for a couple hours working on lesson plans and setting up my room for tomorrow. Overall, today had a lot of big highs and hard lows, but they averaged out to a nice neutral. As I grow with these kids, I am sure that will change: for better or worse though, who's to say?

One last anecdote from today. In my second class, the rough one, I gave a Do Now exercise in which I asked my students to write down how they were feeling about their fourth and final summer at the program. When I allowed them to share if they were interested, one of the girls said she felt "murderous". I of course got concerned and asked her to elaborate. She said that she always feels like she wants to strangle the teachers because we are always so happy and energetic that she thinks we're all fake. This was crushing to me, but also a big eye-opener. The thing to keep in mind is that, yes, we are all crazy energetic, way more than any teacher at any of our kids' schools, and we do that purposefully because we don't want our students coming to our program and thinking of it as work. It is a privilege for them; they should have as much fun as they can to inspire their learning and drive to go to college, and they should feel special, particularly since at their own schools many of them feel lost in the mix.

That said, our happiness is not unfounded. We would be INSANE to give up our summers and work 15+ hour days everyday if we did not absolutely love and believe in what we are doing. The problem is: how do we show that to our students? Is our enthusiasm actually hurting our relationships with them, particularly with the older kids? The 5/6th graders seem to thrive on it, but the 8th graders are a little more mature and a hell of a lot more cynical. They have seen things, they have been hurt and they have come to view things at more than face value, and none of these things are their fault. In this instance, I need to meet them where they are. The question becomes: how do I as their teacher make it clear how thrilled I am to be working with them without breaking their trust by being TOO positive with them? I am going to be reflecting on this for a while, and there does not seem to be a set answer for this one, but I'll let you know whatever I end up thinking. In the meantime, I'll just keep reminding myself that I am not yet a full-time professional teacher and that it's okay to make mistakes in this environment as long as I maintain a growth mindset to keep moving forward. I will stumble this summer, I will be tested (as I have been already), and at times I will fail, but as long as my motives are always driven by my students, even if only one of them comes out of my class having learned a single thing, I will have made a difference.

From our training: "When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding." -Thich Nhat Hanh

Basically, I've just got to fake it until I make it.

Until next time,
Nate